What's wrong with me?
Or with this world?
When I don't feel I can be me. Or speak how I feel. I always have to keep my thoughts to myself. Or feel I should not speak. I feel like I don't have a voice. I'm not to be heard.
When I do speak they can't hear me. Or they choose not to listen to me. I don't feel like I count within my own family. They say they love me but do they really?
I've been feeling really sad for weeks now. And I feel like I have no place to talk.
I know people, but I don't know what they truly think of me. I think I'm afraid to know. All I want is to find people who can accept me for me.
I watched Cold Case last night it was an old rerun on another channel. I caught it half way through. From what I could make out the episode was about the circumstances the lead up to the death of an 18 yr old woman who was obese.
The frat boys had rounded up these women & totally humiliated them. Tearing at their clothes calling them porkers. I cried watching that episode. I felt the hate and anger towards people who hate me for not being like them, for not being normal.
When the girl went back into the house to speak to her friend and ended up being locked in by another guy. I cried that her friend tried to help her but the room she was in had bars on its windows. And she died in the fire.
Sometimes I think my family would be better off if I died. This waste of space - waste of life would just simply cease to exist. It's all I've been doing for 34 yrs. Watching others. Watching family members come to be, watching them grow, seeing others pass. Always watching from a distance. The other part of my family has nothing to do with me at all. So in my mind he does not exist. Thinking about him hurts too much.
I really admire women who are obese & have their life together. What I can't figure out is why can't I do that. What's wrong with me? And if I'm to keep living this lonely life in tears more and more. Then whoever's in charge of our existence should take mine and give it to someone who can be productive, fuctioning & happy person, because I am not.
I've had dreams. Now I dare not to dream. Just to be, if I get to see another dawn & sunset.
I stress my family out, especially my Mom, I know this. She's been with me all my life. And she still can't catch a break from me. I don't mean to take out my frustrations, get upset or let anyone see me crying. I just don't know what to do with myself. Why won't I do what I need to do to be healthy & to enjoy a full life. I truly feel like I am a bad person because of my weight.
I have my brother in Hawaii. He has 3 kids now & I hardly ever see them. My oldest nephew was born May 29th 95 in July 95 I had no choice but to leave Hawaii to follow my Mom and stepdad to Idaho. From there I didn't see him again until he was around 2 yrs old in 97. The next time I saw him was when I was hospitalized at Good Samaritan hospital in 2002 and my Mom flew my brother & suprised me by flying my nephew, my neice (first time I met her, she was about 2 & 1/2 - I thought I'd die never knowing her) and my sister in law. She flew them out because the doctors indicated I was going to die.
They tried to get me to have a tube in my throat & with my brother there, we refused. My Mom also tried to bring in a priest to give me my last rites. My brother got so pissed off he kicked the priest out of my room. They stayed and followed me up to Seattle as I was transferred up to UW Medical Center.
My Aunt from California even flew up to join them. The kids didn't come as much then because it was traumatizing & they were bored.
I'm going to rest a bit but will write again. They say writing is good for the soul. I hope so. I hope that by writing I'm able to release all that's inside of me, keeping me this way. I need to get a fix on this life before I die having never lived it.
Here's a song on my mind because of the lyrics
"Question Existing"
Take off my shirt.
Loosen the buttons
and undo my skirt,
Stare at myself in the mirror
Take me apart piece by piece,
Sorrow decrease
Pressure release,
I put in work
Did more than called upon,
More than deserved
When it was over,
Did I wind up hurt (Yes)
But it taught me
before a decision
ask this question first
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit,
Can I endure some more
Chances are given,
Question Existing
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit,
Can I endure some more
Chances are given,
Question Existing
Take off my cool,
show them that
under here,
I'm just like you
Do the mistakes,
I may make me a fool
Or a human with flaws,
admit that I'm loss
Round of applause,
Take the abuse
Sometimes it feels
like they want me to lose
It's entertainment
is that an excuse? (No)
But the question
that lingers
whether win or lose
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit,
Can I endure some more
Chances are given,
Question Existing
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit,
Can I endure some more
Chances are given,
Question Existing
Dear Diary,
It's Robyn
Entertaining is something
I do for a living
It's not who I am,
I'd like to think
that I'm pretty normal,
I laugh, I get mad, I hurt,
I think
Guys suck sometimes,
But when you're in the spotlight,
Everything seems good,
Sometimes I feel
like i have it worst
cause
I have to always
keep my guard up,
I don't know who to trust,
I don't know
who wants to date me
for who I am,
Or who
wants to be my friend
for who I really am,
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit,
Can I endure some more
Chances are given,
Question Existing
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit,
Can I endure some more
Chances are given,
Question Existing
